Pride and Disappointment
by 68luvcarter
Summary: All the Colors of the Rainbow challenge. Set after 'Memoriam' missing scene with Rossi and Reid.


I DO NOT OWN CRIMINAL MINDS OR THE CHARACTERS.

**Characters:** Spencer Reid & David Rossi

**Assigned Sentence:** Absolution and forgiveness might be offered by the Almighty, but mere humans were often bound by graying steel bonds that never allowed for such actions.

**Suggested by: **Tonnie2001969

Story set after 'Memoriam'.

**Pride and Disappointment**

The plane trip home from Vegas was crowded but quiet; Rossi had upgraded our seats to business class cutting out some of the noise. I usually rode coach but after the last few days I needed the quiet. Morgan was seated next to me and I could feel his concerned glance every few minutes but he stayed silent sensing my need for solitude. Rossi was seated just behind us so I couldn't see him but I could smell the clean scent of his after-shave wafting towards me.

It was strange the comfort having Rossi nearby was giving me. I knew I could always rely on Morgan to offer support and comfort when the job got too bad but when I woke up from the hypnosis and saw Rossi I had felt safe.

Not having my dad in my life for so long made it difficult to trust another man offering the strength and safety of a father. I thought I had found that with Gideon but was proven wrong. Both Hotch and Morgan were exceptions. They both offered me unconditional support and I knew if I needed them they would be there no questions asked. But they weren't like a father to me, more like protective big brothers.

When Rossi had joined the team I was excited to meet a legend of the BAU but also nervous. He was replacing Gideon and as much as Gideon had hurt me a part of me was still holding out hope he would come back. I'm not sure Rossi knew what to think of me when we met. My nervousness had taken hold and I had rambled so uncontrollably that Hotch had to rein me in. It took time for me to feel comfortable around Rossi and I could always sense his reluctance to pair with me in the field. Not that I could blame him, the other team members were more typical FBI agents. I was different and I felt different around him. Things had improved between us but it taken time, the comfort I felt with the other team members wasn't there, not until I had walked into my hotel room to find Rossi and Morgan waiting for me. Morgan was worried but Rossi was no-nonsense about it, ready to help but only if I was sure I wanted it. Each day investigating my dad, I was angry and scared but once I had made the decision to stay Rossi had supported my chose.

My body and mind were both exhausted from the nightmares that had plagued me for weeks; nightmares about a dead child wanting… no… needing my help finding his murderer. The murderer I thought had been my father. I was wrong. He did not murder Riley. He hadn't left because he stopped loving mom or me. But he had left.

My heart was torn between the desire to forgive him and the hurt that I felt for so long. I wanted to forgive him. I wanted to have a father in my life, someone strong to turn to, to rely on. I just couldn't bring myself to open that door, to risk the pain of losing him again, to be hurt once more.

I had been let down so many times before.

I was only ten years old when dad left me…us. Maybe if he had made the effort to check on mom and me, I wouldn't be having such a hard time letting it go. But the effort wasn't made. When William Reid walked out on the both of us it was like he purged us completely from his life. He never called to see if we needed money for the house payment or groceries, he left a woman that was mentally deteriorating and a ten year old child to fend for themselves. Garcia may have found me in my father's search engine and computer records but was I in his thoughts or heart those years mom and I struggled to make it?

I couldn't ask anyone else for help. I had no one else to ask, no other family to support us. If I talked to a teacher then mom would have been locked away and I would have been sent to child services. Would he have come for me then? I couldn't take the chance that I would lose my mom too. I knew that as bad as things with my classmates had been if I had been put in child welfare things would have only gotten worse, much worse. I've seen the statistics.

I took a deep breath, drawing in the scent of Rossi's after-shave again. Funny how much comfort knowing he was behind me brought to me. All I had to do was turn my head and I could find Morgan waiting beside me to offer support but it was the quiet strength that Rossi exuded calming my thoughts.

When the plane landed and we walked to the parking garage I was fully expecting Morgan to offer me a ride home but was surprised when it was Rossi guiding me to his car without comment. I glanced to Morgan but he just smiled and patted my arm before walking to his own vehicle and driving away. After a brief pause as I watched him leave I turned to find Rossi waiting for me.

I hurried to climb in his car sure he was ready to get home too. We drove in silence but it was a comfortable quiet. I wasn't ready yet to talk about the fury that had pushed me forward the past few days. I was consumed with the desire to prove to the world that my father was the monster I had always felt him to be. To have that anger tempered when my mom had shown up to admit her accidental part in the death of Michaels; I felt like a balloon that had lost its air. Dad wasn't the monster that killed a child but he was still the monster that left one.

"You know, kid, its okay to still be angry," Rossi spoke quietly but after so long in silence I jumped to hear his voice.

"He was innocent, Rossi. I pushed and pushed because I was sure he killed Riley but I was wrong. He wasn't the bad guy and a part of me…..I know it's wrong but a part of me was disappointed that he wasn't. I've hated him for so long and I don't know what to do with that anymore," I sighed.

"You don't have to do ANYTHING with it Reid. He didn't kill Riley, your memories or dreams were wrong but he still hurt you. Absolution and forgiveness might be offered by the Almighty, but mere humans were often bound by graying steel bonds that never allowed for such actions. Maybe someday you will be able to forgive him the pain he caused you but don't feel guilty that you can't do that now. You were a child, Reid. A child that needed a father and he left you. True he left you with your mom but he knew you were too young to take on that responsibility. The fact that you made it work, raised yourself and cared for your mom for so long is a sign of your strength and determination," Rossi continued voice rising as he spoke.

"Thanks Rossi," I said offering him a small smile. I was somewhat shocked at the fierceness of his voice. It almost sounded like pride when he spoke about me. "I know you and I seemed to get off on the wrong foot when you came back. I know I'm not exactly the type of agent you were used to working with before so I appreciate you staying behind with Morgan to help me with my father and Riley."

When Rossi pulled the car to the shoulder I felt a ribbon of unease run through me. He put the car in park and turned towards me. I lowered my eyes and waited for the letdown. Maybe I had pushed too fast.

"Hey kid, I admit that when I first met you I was taken aback. You are one of a kind and I don't mean that in a bad way. You had to grow on me. We ARE very different from each other. But you DID grow on me, Reid," Rossi paused to touch my shoulder.

"Reid, I think you are one of the bravest, strongest men that I have ever met. Your dad…." Rossi sighed, "I feel sorry for your dad."

My head jerked up at that comment.

"Now wait a minute kid, don't get upset. Your dad leaving you and your mom was wrong but when I look at the amazing man that you've become," Rossi stopped and shook his head. "I can't help but feel sorry for the man and what he missed out on. Reid…Spencer…I would have given anything to have you as a son and he threw it away."

My mouth dropped open. Rossi wanted someone like me for a son. Then I realized he was only trying to be nice.

"Rossi, I know you're trying to make me feel better but you don't have to say that. I'm not exactly a father's dream for a son. I never played sports well; I don't even enjoy watching them to this day. I'm not like Morgan or Hotch; I'm the geek, the nerd."

"Spencer, you are a warm, kind person. You are smarter than anyone I have ever met, braver than men twice your size and you have no idea how absolutely amazing you are. I would be proud to have you as my son. Your dad wasn't there to see you become the person you are and that's his loss. I bet if I talked to your mom she would agree with me."

I had to smile are that; I had no doubt about my mothers love and pride for me.

"I don't understand how he could have just walked away, Rossi. My dad and Gideon, they both left me behind without any worries. They never called me to see if I was okay. I….I…"

"Hey kid, the fact that they left you doesn't mean they didn't worry about you. I'm not gonna make any excuses for them because they were both wrong. But leaving makes them weak not you. You're strong and you ARE a fighter, Reid. You fight against evil every day with this job and you ARE someone to be proud of, someone I am proud of every day," Rossi smiled as he turned back, putting the car in drive.

The remainder of the ride was made in silence but I felt like a burden had been lifted off my shoulders. Maybe things with my father would never be the way I would have wanted; I would have to be okay with that.

When we pulled up to my apartment building I was surprised to see Rossi get out of the car as well. I waited while he walked around to my side and stopped in front of me. Without saying anything, the man I had always felt a distance from, pulled me into a hug. After a moment of shock I hugged him back. As he pulled away, he smiled at me, then turned and climbed back into his car, driving away.

I slowly made my way inside my apartment, dropping bags and keys inside the door. Too tired to even think about food, I made my way into my bedroom. I stripped to my boxers and climbed into bed. For the first time in weeks I didn't fear sleep. Rossi had surprised me with not only the words he had spoken but with the intensity he said them. I had fought to please my dad growing up and then Gideon when I joined the BAU but it wasn't enough.

With Rossi I hadn't tried to please him, I didn't try to do things to make him proud and yet he was both of those things. In letting me make my own mistakes without guiding me in the right direction Rossi had let me grow up. To dad and Gideon I would forever be the boy they had left behind but to Rossi I was the man he put his faith and trust in. By giving me that trust he had made me feel strong. Just like a dad should. I went to sleep breathing David Rossi's after-shave from the rare hug he had given. I slept like a baby.


End file.
